In time, i will redo this page. But for now, what already here will do.
~Mystery no more~
This is the hardest page in my site to do. It is difficult to find the
words to explain who i am. I hold back a lot in the things i say and
do. I'm always afraid of offending or sounding rude to people. I
can become rude if i so choose to, or if i'm pissed off enough. Which
that rarely happens. But I consider myself to be a fairly nice person.
And i think i have a good personality as well. But i often put on a
facade to what my real personality is both offline and on. I'm a bit insecure and
feel that people are judging me when they really aren't. So i pull
this curtain over my head and shroud my true feelings. I don't hide
myself from everybody, though. Because of my shy personality and my
anxiety around people i don't put much trust in them. But after time
passes and i start to become more comfortable with someone, i open up
and become more relaxed. Only my good friends know who i really am
underneath my skin. And i hope that they feel good knowing that i've
put a lot of trust into them to let my true self show.
I do get pissed a lot. Not necessarily at people though. Just
at certain things that happen through out the day. Say, for example,
i drop a tool on the ground while working on a mold inside a machine
at work. That pisses me off cause i have to climb down off the
machine and crawl around on the ground to find my damn tool. Small
things like that strung together will put me in a bad mood, and fast.
Maybe it's the german in me? Or maybe it's cause of the fact that i
got so stressed out in 1998-1999 that i became very bitter. For the
longest time after that i thought i was okay again. But the more i
think about it the more i still feel that bitterness inside. And i
think these little mishaps are fueling that rage buried deep inside.
I think of myself as sort of a simple person. I don't like to
complicate things even though it doesn't always work out that way. I
like simplicity cause it's easy to confuse me. The more complicated
something is the greater chance i have to fuck up. And i hate fucking
up. Granted, i know i'm only human, and humans aren't perfect. So
we're expected to fuck up once in a while. But i still tend to be my
worst critic. I'll lecture myself up over a little screw up worse
than anybody else ever would. I really shouldn't do it. But i really
can't help myself.
Have you ever heard the quote that goes along the lines of don't expect
me to lead, and don't expect me to follow. I sort of fit into that.
I hate to be a leader. I'm a terrible boss, i'm too nice a person to
tell people what to do. I can't threaten them either, cause i don't
like to give empty threats that aren't going to do anything either.
I don't like to take advice either. Though i know i should accept it,
but i hate to ask questions sometimes. If i'm curious about something,
then asking questions is no problem. But if i'm stumped and need help
i feel almost embarrased to ask for it. I don't know if i just have
way too much pride, or if i'm just that much more shy. But asking for
help on something sometimes makes me feel like this person is going to
think i'm stupid. And i hate feeling like someone thinks i'm stupid.
Even though that's hardly the case.
I absolutely, more than anything, hate any person that likes to act
like i'm some sort of personal punching bag. Run up to me and act
like your hitting me, or hold your elbow out and ram me with your
shoulder. And you'll piss me off something fierce. I have never
fought a day in my life. And i often tried to avoid any kind of
confrontation. But there were a few occasions during my junior and
senior years of high school when i lashed back. Another thing that
irritates me is when people will sneak up and scare me. Now i know
they are just playing around. Which is okay. Cause i do it as well
sometimes. But to do it all day long nonstop is enough to put me in
a bad mood in a hurry. Simple, stupid, idiotic games like this are
one of my major pet peeves.